Recently Zaphod said he’d noticed the sign on my avatar is similar to the mark used in the film “Constantine” with Keanu Reeves to denote the Antichrist. It’s not actually that reason I chose it but probably where the idea came from.
I’ve had a lot of blogs and usually I chose something confronting and something that makes a type of incendiary joke about what I was. I’d originally thought in this blog to reflect back on my life in the skin trade but I feel less and less inclined to do so mostly for the fact that people seem to find it exciting in the wrong way – for my tastes.
So unlike most people I grew up with I’ve read far and wide and the symbology of sin, money, evil and a fall from grace tickle my giggle dick, it’s a kind of joke, really. Mammon is an ancient word relating to and literally wealth, the first time a demon was named Mammon isn’t in the bible but in Milton’s paradise lost, a book I read first when I had little grasp of the mythos and world Milton was writing about. I grew up in an Anglican school with an Anglican family and a Lutheran father, Christianity ‘lite’ really. The whole religion thing was lost on me for most of my life, and it seemed anathema (pardon the pun) to my rationalist view of the world.
But the world itself isn’t rational, at least our culture isn’t, I can give you all kinds of answers to physical states of matter, time, space and dimension but it’s only a fraction of what it is to be a human in this world and of course most especially a female one, albeit something of a pariah for most of it.
So it’s my sympathy for the devil if you will, I feel a closer affinity to the things that offend the Godly, not now for spite but more for a projected set of things they thought of me. It’s also an honest thing, I was entirely driven by money, to me it represented safety something i hadn’t felt since I was a young child, we desire the things we lack right? It’s a no brainer, but also as you seduce you become seduced until the line between want and fuel for that want is blurred.
In German Mammon is a slang term for money, the ‘elle’ is a femininising (is that a word?) suffix ,so it is really a thing I saw as old me, or rather a term that’d made sense to a person who wanted a word for me that had some sting and gravitas. We are our worst critics right? The symbol is, yes a mark of Mammon – the demon, it represents a nail and a pen, making a cross-hair, as far as I know and as far as I could be bothered to research, it’s also the mark of the Beast apparently. The symbol of the Antichrist, not that I dislike Jesus or Christianity it’s more a continuation of the theme I chose ages ago in a blog – Scarlett’s letters – A play on Hawthorne’s book.
My life as a commodity ended quite a long time ago, but it will never wash out, part of what led me to the dark times after I quit working was that we all define ourselves by what we do as opposed to what we are and a gear is not a gear when it’s removed from an engine. Still the shape of me, the forces worked upon me, the things I saw and had to deal with – even when I wanted to forget those things these are as fundamental to what I am now as ever. Even that I now try to beat the sword into a plough I realise and have come to accept that in the darkest of places, things of value are often overlooked.
It’s an easy thing to spite the pious and I used to think it was a duty as an atheist, then I met some people who are Christians and also beautiful souls, the two seemed to me mutually exclusive at one stage of my life but also if I am to be honest I’ve tarred them with the same brush that the casual onlooker into my life would.
So then it’s also a type of nod to something that proved to be a cruel joke – on all of us, me included but also others. A mislabel but more a joke, I love word plays, maths and cyphers and codes – in case you hadn’t guessed…
You know like Louis Cypher, “…hope you get my name” kind of thing.
I feel a kind of kinship to the outcast, the worse the better, as my friends I know you don’t find me as loathsome but you know me, it’s like how people hate foreigners because they have a bunch of cliched ideas about who and what they are about. I’ve always hung with the nerds, the outsiders, the untouchables, I feel comfortable there because I feel more affinity with them, they are the antithesis of what my mother wanted and hoped for in me. As always I am most thrilled to disappoint her.
I will say this though that you grow into things like that, I’m attracted to the dark, I sometimes like to rub offensive things in the nose of the easily offended because I fell the power of that. I like to think that’s because I gave in to my past, revelled in it even though it was or perhaps because it was shocking. Munich syndrome, the supposed feminine attraction to submission, sure maybe but in distilling even the supposedly corrupt you get unique insights into what we share as men women and other.
I thought of signing off with a Black metal song, an acquired taste, an expression of that nihilistic and actually absurd anti-Christian music which in its denial actually defends faith. Most people don’t like the stuff but I find it kind of sexy in a dark self harm sort of way. Then I read the lyrics recently and oh my how gross, I highly recommend not doing that, they are pretty ugly, but the sound of it is hypnotic and arousing I think.
So I’ll leave you with something more playful, much more my thing.
You know, I think mu favourite line is actually–
“I shouted out
Who killed the Kennedys?
When after all
It was you and me”