Why I chose this name – Mammonelle

Recently Zaphod said he’d noticed the sign on my avatar is similar to the mark used in the film “Constantine” with Keanu Reeves to denote the Antichrist. It’s not actually that reason I chose it but probably where the idea came from.

I’ve had a lot of blogs and usually I chose something confronting and something that makes a type of incendiary joke about what I was. I’d originally thought in this blog to reflect back on my life in the skin trade but I feel less and less inclined to do so mostly for the fact that people seem to find it exciting in the wrong way – for my tastes.

So unlike most people I grew up with I’ve read far and wide and the symbology of sin, money, evil and a fall from grace tickle my giggle dick, it’s a kind of joke, really. Mammon is an ancient word relating to and literally wealth, the first time a demon was named Mammon isn’t in the bible but in Milton’s paradise lost, a book I read first when I had little grasp of the mythos and world Milton was writing about. I grew up in an Anglican school with an Anglican family and a Lutheran father, Christianity ‘lite’ really. The whole religion thing was lost on me for most of my life, and it seemed anathema (pardon the pun) to my rationalist view of the world.

But the world itself isn’t rational, at least our culture isn’t, I can give you all kinds of answers to physical states of matter, time, space and dimension but it’s only a fraction of what it is to be a human in this world and of course most especially a female one, albeit something of a pariah for most of it.

So it’s my sympathy for the devil if you will, I feel a closer affinity to the things that offend the Godly, not now for spite but more for a projected set of things they thought of me. It’s also an honest thing, I was entirely driven by money, to me it represented safety something i hadn’t felt since I was a young child, we desire the things we lack right? It’s a no brainer, but also as you seduce you become seduced until the line between want and fuel for that want is blurred.

In German Mammon is a slang term for money, the ‘elle’ is a femininising (is that a word?) suffix ,so it is really a thing I saw as old me, or rather a term that’d made sense to a person who wanted a word for me that had some sting and gravitas. We are our worst critics right? The symbol is, yes a mark of Mammon – the demon, it represents a nail and a pen, making a cross-hair, as far as I know and as far as I could be bothered to research, it’s also the mark of the Beast apparently. The symbol of the Antichrist, not that I dislike Jesus or Christianity it’s more a continuation of the theme I chose ages ago in a blog – Scarlett’s letters – A play on Hawthorne’s book.

My life as a commodity ended quite a long time ago, but it will never wash out, part of what led me to the dark times after I quit working was that we all define ourselves by what we do as opposed to what we are and a gear is not a gear when it’s removed from an engine. Still the shape of me, the forces worked upon me, the things I saw and had to deal with – even when I wanted to forget those things these are as fundamental to what I am now as ever. Even that I now try to beat the sword into a plough I realise and have come to accept that in the darkest of places, things of value are often overlooked.

It’s an easy thing to spite the pious and I used to think it was a duty as an atheist, then I met some people who are Christians and also beautiful souls, the two seemed to me mutually exclusive at one stage of my life but also if I am to be honest I’ve tarred them with the same brush that the casual onlooker into my life would.

So then it’s also a type of nod to something that proved to be a cruel joke – on all of us, me included but also others. A mislabel but more a joke, I love word plays, maths and cyphers and codes – in case you hadn’t guessed…

You know like Louis Cypher, “…hope you get my name” kind of thing.

I feel a kind of kinship to the outcast, the worse the better, as my friends I know you don’t find me as loathsome but you know me, it’s like how people hate foreigners because they have a bunch of cliched ideas about who and what they are about. I’ve always hung with the nerds, the outsiders, the untouchables, I feel comfortable there because I feel more affinity with them, they are the antithesis of what my mother wanted and hoped for in me. As always I am most thrilled to disappoint her.

I will say this though that you grow into things like that, I’m attracted to the dark, I sometimes like to rub offensive things in the nose of the easily offended because I fell the power of that. I like to think that’s because I gave in to my past, revelled in it even though it was or perhaps because it was shocking. Munich syndrome, the supposed feminine attraction to submission, sure maybe but in distilling even the supposedly corrupt you get unique insights into what we share as men women and other.

I thought of signing off with a Black metal song, an acquired taste, an expression of that nihilistic and actually absurd anti-Christian music which in its denial actually defends faith. Most people don’t like the stuff but I find it kind of sexy in a dark self harm sort of way. Then I read the lyrics recently and oh my how gross, I highly recommend not doing that, they are pretty ugly, but the sound of it is hypnotic and arousing I think.

So I’ll leave you with something more playful, much more my thing.

You know, I think mu favourite line is actually–

“I shouted out
Who killed the Kennedys?
When after all
It was you and me”

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11h 49m 35.59s, 22° 23′ 47.4″

I’m about to go do the thing I love most other than staring at deep space images and exabytes of data, going outside the dorms and lie on a table, just outside the area people would go at night here, blow a joint and look at the stars. Out here where my data is purely derived from ultra high tech, we finished it yesterday type software – or are working on it. I can quite easily avoid the news and other distractions, I’m just too busy and why would I when I can see the galaxy on show for free then go inside and look further out to where there aren’t even names for things.

Kind of sad really the most distant object is just a jumble of directions usually, there’s a very distant star that they gravity lensed called Icarus, I think they should let everyone name objects in space, but you know you’d get Quasie McQuasarface pretty quickly and that’s pretty undignified for such a magnificent and weird thing.

Physics is an odd thing to work in, most things involve immense work in every facet of the particular (cough) field you study or work in. You look for but are sceptical of pattern and behaviours, if you find any you have to be cool about it and try and make it fail a vast array of tests. When those tests are done, your finding turns out to be real you then mark it out of five, send it to other people to pick holes in and they re-mark it – mostly lower. Years pass, it may gather dust in a corner or become part of a bigger answer, if you want to stand out, here’s not your career, which is a perfect fit for me.

The stark reality is we are not built for this, numbers that are well past comprehension, or bellow, distance, scale, size and forces are only rational by their symbolic representations. Sadly this is why I think so much scorn and denial is heaped on science now, people find this kind of conceptual work difficult to contextualise so they roll their eyes and chose something simpler.

In a world which has so many underprivileged people and deserving causes I – and probably we as a group often feel guilt about the sums and time that end up involved in the sciences, the place I work is a multi-billion dollar installation – as are most significant sites that deal with both the minute and the near infinite. Wouldn’t this be better spent on the poor? It would, but so would the infinitely more that the weapons industry, entertainment industry, car industry, fashion industry, tech and even the taxes the rich avoid with such ease. At least we are looking for answers not ways of murdering people we know nothing about.

I think most of us have wished harm to another person at least once, and sometimes when I see the news I wonder if it wouldn’t be better to hand the planet over to the roaches, but the whole killing in the name of x – and x is a very large variable for humans – it’s bizarre when you think about it.

That said we are guaranteed to have some military applications arise from our work out here, it’s just that my mind isn’t geared to that kind of lateral thought but there are people who’s jobs are to filter everything for weaponisation. When people turn up from the world superpowers everyone wonders but knows why, no one protests it’s a bit like when you see violence but you look down and walk past. Maybe as a girl I’d have said something but as a possible employee I know better.

Complicity is easy, it’s also how we got here, how we are still here and why we will not be for long.

You give up one thing thinking you’ll be better for it, somehow cleaner and then you realise, that the complexity of the cosmos, of the sub-atomic has a neat analogy in the tragedy of our situation, one system is built and made of the corruption it grew from, that the seemingly pure white light is a thick soup of both the spectrum we see but a tiny part of what exists.

I find a lot of people want to escape this thing, but the only place to do that now is your mind, which is where freedom is most commonly found.

Pick my name while I pick my nose!

It’s become a thing now that it’d be a good idea if I changed my name for my career. Not that a lot can be put to my actual name, other than a few arrests and being a registered – oops – That’ll screw up my job prospects!

For those of you that know, I took back my father’s surname when I could legally do so, and most of my former career I used assumed names but the legal stuff where I was pingged is on the same name that I’ll probably get a legit job under and that’s not a good thing.

So here is my current favourite:

Constance Planck – get it? Planck’s constant?

No? How about Alberta Frank-Einstein, Bridgette Einstein-Rosen, Dickette Dawkins, Stepahnie Hawkins or Mary Curie? Isadora Newton? Pretty corny right?

I’d pick Jane Doe but I’ll probably be travelling to serious countries eventually.

Please do feel free to throw in some names.

I love the line “No one loves you when you’re 23” which is accurate I find.

If it looks like a duck it’s quantum demonics

The world has clearly gone mad, it’s somehow easier for people to believe simplistic fantasy rather than the facts. The facts I have to admit – every time I hear something new — are super complex and hurt to work out, possibly make you vomit with concentration. Which would be the exact reaction if I explained them, in detail example — the Higgs boson. Even the mathematically gifted and science addicted struggle with the quantum world, because honestly the minute is as painfully difficult to grasp as the ponderous distances of space.

Famously an early luminary of quantum mechanics Dr Richard Feynman said… “If you think you understand quantum mechanics, you don’t understand quantum mechanics.”

Which is lucky, lucky I didn’t get into quantum mechanics even though I loved it and everything related to it, working out what’s going on with the cosmos is much easier, it only gives you migraines and indigestion. Yes, the two cross over a lot but mainly I work at a computer terminal – um yeah so do the other guys. I look out they look in, plus its warmer where I work which is great – topic – right I’ll get back to it.

Does that matter – super-symmetry, unification, standard model and so on? No, not really, if people got the Higgs-boson and the Higgs field they’d probably use it to further some horrific weapon, why else would governments pour good defence money into research. Can more money to build a bigger particle collider than the LHC be justified when so many are starving? Probably not, though it seems that more bombs and bigger walls at borders are worth the coin, recently a group of physicists handed in a – 5 year in the making design for the Future Circular Collider – catchy isn’t it? The thing will cost 40 billion and take twenty years to build.

The projected power of the thing will be in the order of 100 Terra electron Volts (TeV), the LHC is currently achieving 17TeV which is hard to wrap your mind around, but it was enough to uncover the particle it was designed to find, the next machine would, in theory – reveal the interactions between these bosons. Additionally it would allow us to uncover dark matter (if it exists at all) and observe the interplay (read annihilation) between matter and anti-matter.

The benefits of the latter are that if we managed to produce anti-mater in any great amount we would have limitless, pollution free energy that is far more potent than fission or fusion. Clean energy, space travel I’m sure the oil companies will be right behind the initiative.

I’d have liked to work at CERN but I managed to snag a project that will give me a decent thesis for my doctorate at an observatory, I’m not unhappy or disappointed but it’s unlikely I’ll invent the things I had decided to as a kid, a warp drive and cold fusion reactor, yeah I was a geeky kid.

The nice thing about being an astronomer is that you don’t have to suffer the kinds of conspiracy gimps that particle physics folks do at places like the LHC. Some genius at CERN decided to, as a PR stunt get a performance of ‘the dance of Shiva’ played out there, and commission a statue of the Hindu god of destruction and rebirth. Did the tin foil brigade go nuts? Yes, and they are still youtubing about CERN opening a portal to hell so demons can come in and out of wherever they live in myths.

Point your browser at youtube and type in “CERN Dance of Shiva” and enjoy the banquet of nut jobs that will appear. This is the disappointing side of life as a scientist, now that big business has deftly used the media to cast doubt on fact, nothing we say will convince people that we know what we are talking about, that some dick on the internet told them the truth and you are part of a communist plot to undermine white retirees – I mean Freedom.

This is why I prefer particles and pulsars to parties and pea brains. I miss parties and occasionally the kind of dick that doesn’t spout off about what passes for science these days, the sort that is quiet but firm, springy and attached to something cute.

Yeah ok I’m an astrologer, shut up and get your pants off.

Sigh.

Anyway cheer up lil emo kid with some great Aussie music!

Fucken’ lit ay?

Illness, stillness, egress

If you’d read the last – dunno – year’s worth of posts you’d probably think I’m this angry dark thing full of resentment and vinegar but really a lot of that is just ringing out things I think I need to. I’m light years better than the dark thing I used to be, I’ve learned a lot in the past five or six years and not even counting university.

It’s like I was some mad, starved bird clinging to a dead rotten tree in a desolate field that I was trying to get to fruit. In some ways I think I was stupid, a fool and naive, I’d built my entire existence and reason to be around the vapour of the past. It was hard to let go, when I did I think I probably did it the wrong way and I tore myself off cold turkey.

As if my limbs had turned to stone I felt like I wasn’t made for this new world. Bit by bit I tore off parts of me that I’d relied on to survive the past because they’d actually hampered me. A lot like cigarettes though I craved, I missed that sense of purpose of near duty to suffer and be used, it was of course a self gratification to be punished, a kink like everything else to let myself feel unburdened by punishment.

Sounds sick, but now with eagle eyes I see it everywhere, people doing what they think they should no matter how much it hurts because duty, especially duty under duress, that’s more heroic still if you are in hell, I was so fixated that I hadn’t noticed they left the door open years ago.

Sometimes I have to pinch myself because it’s almost like I’m in a dream, I’m sure if I tried, if I wanted to I could orgasm with relief. I’d like to put this in a jar and give it out, sometimes I try but we all make our own royal jelly and other creatures find it unpalatable.

The world is not only vast but a series of never ending dimensions each and every person lives in, subject to its own rules, laws and time. I wish I’d known that as a girl, people are like they are because they live in different things, their minds, all as unique – beautiful and frightful as a fingerprint is to the sea of stars in the sky.

There is a point, in everything you do when you have too much, you build a tolerance which will either become addiction or repulsion maybe both, I think that when I did try and change my life I was in a way lucky that the path I chose was so different, now hardly a day passes when I don’t experience something new, profound and mind expanding.

Inevitable but still heart bruising is that those you meet on the road, that you come to love or rely on sometimes are rooted to the spot, well almost always I’ve found and as you change they lose sight of the child they knew and barely understand the woman that is. That cuts both ways though just to be blunt it’s easy for arrogance to undo your mates as the new you.

There was a stage where I thought I should archive my old world, I wrote and took down work, I piled it into a site – hidden. I packed old cards, mementos of past loves, clothes I loved, objects and so forth. But today packing I have a small collection of cases that are full of only things I need, not much else, the rest I think I’ll sell. Those things, my nest, they weigh me down and are useless now.

I wonder what the opposite to melancholia is, happy, small word for it isn’t it?

Requiem for roadkill

A quick note to my 4ish mates who read my blog, this is sad, it’s ranty, it’s bleak and it’s not about you, you may want to skip this – really.

Sometimes you have to let it out or you’ll scream.

If I was religious, the thing that would most worry me is that I have, many times run away. Rather than fight, most often I’ve escaped and sometimes that’s meant that others probably took either some of what would have been dished to me or frankly the legal ramifications. There’s worse things than trouble with cops but in my experience not a lot. Most of my run ins with the law have not been good nor particularly what you’re told they’d be like on TV.

I can only think of once where I lagged (Aussie slang for informed) on someone that they got what they deserve and another instance where someone who did me harm actually got punished. These have been exceptions rather than the rule, to me justice isn’t something other than another incarnation of ‘the man’.

Like the media, the government and all that bureaucracy that has the kind of anaemic homogeny that, if it wasn’t for all the Boss and Armani you’d think of banjos.

Sounds like the prelude to a rant, a soapbox but it’s not, I had a go at that and I don’t believe that reason is an effective weapon, not for me, not for my kind.

So what brings this on, well you may want to flick the window off it’s womens’ stuff or rather sub-female stuff. Let me explain what I mean by sub-female.

A couple of says ago some dickhead was arrested in Sydney after stabbing several people and ranting the usual ‘Al akbar’ the spelling of which I can’t be bothered googling. Of course a few women got in the way, one in particular died from a stab wound, but being Australia the guy was bought down by three dudes – without guns because here we use our fists and balls – if you have balls.

Somewhere in the details was that it’d started when he’d stabbed a prostitute – then he went on a killing spree the next day.

Yeah you read that right, he kills a whore and then kills some people the day or the morning later. Look I don’t know this woman, she’s quite a bit younger than me but like me a few other sex-workers got offended by this. I did nothing, as I do, which is shitty I know. They on the other hand made a big something, they raised hell on twitter and gave the media a serve.

She was a person, a woman, a really nice one at that, never hurt anyone, owned a cat, who she adored, she had mates, she was a good woman. Most of the media had stolen a pic from the woman’s instagram account to put on the story, which, you know – did you expect anything else? She’s pretty, but does she deserve a name and sympathy? Not when three heroes and a normal woman are involved.

So even more vom-vom as far as I’m concerned is that afterwards the media then starts referring to the dead woman by her nickname, like – hey fuck – it was an actual person – I sometimes just don’t get the human race, the more they are told something is sick the more they don’t get the right thing to do.

It reminded me of an incident that happened when I was 20, there was a woman who lived two flights below me who was also a whore, she turned up in a bin murdered and being registered me and most of my fiends and workmates got pulled into questioning.

I did know her, but not well, I’d spoken to her nodded in the lobby, but nothing other than – hi – nice weather type of thing. The cops suspected a serial killer – why wouldn’t they – serial killers and whores go together like pasta and cheese. Sadly that’s actually true, it’s easy to kill a whore, and it happens a lot. But I – we knew nothing.

Not that the cops believed this, I got questioned 3 times and seriously I was clueless but as a whore I couldn’t be relied on not to be lying – because everybody knows our kind are liars.

And that’s the thing – we aren’t women most of the time, somehow we surrendered that when we became available to men for money, we also gave up the right to safety and really no one cares if you beat or even kill a whore do they? It’s the punchline so so many jokes I’m sure I could reel off at least ten. You dare say anything and people will shake their heads and look at you like you have it tattooed on your forehead – beat me, kill me, I’m garbage I don’t even deserve to be addressed as human.

Here’s another, at least you’re not an ugly whore – there is always someone worse off.

A young woman is probably on a slab today, decomposing because some mental guy cut her throat – the reason – she was evil enough to do what he wanted for money.

Here is where I can’t make sense of religious madmen, he probably thinks she’s in hell and he did a good thing, and most people in this world, maybe not in our countries (maybe I’m wrong) – probably agree with him.

So you noticed I didn’t name her right?

Immortality – if you want it.

I often wonder what it is that makes people believe in the supernatural, I understand the attractiveness of imagining something is in charge – but the more I learn, the older I get the more it seems — sorry but silly.

If you’ve ever spent time with men you’ll have had many and varied history lessons, often wandering off into myths. All of these myths revolve around the fear of dying, and the childish idea that you will be rewarded, or punished for your transgressions against whatever god you were born under. Then faith is faith isn’t it and therefore I think I was born with some defect that I was destined to plague the faithful with embarrassing questions.

Death to me is an inevitability and a biological fact – only in a few decades – possibly years – that might not be necessarily true.

One of the things that keeps a smile on my face in these dark times is the knowledge that all these people who deny the climate – the entire biosphere of Earth is — well — terminal and are going to get what’s coming to them. I’ve never pretend I wasn’t a pervert and this is my kink – after years of trying to tell anyone who’ll listen I’m going to smile when the scientific community finally gets to say “I told you so” to the conservatives, conspiracy nuts and everyone who thinks Mars or the virgin Mary is going to save them from extinction.

The part which is most hilarious and also sad is we almost made it.

There is a concept in xenobiology – the great filter – it forms the basis of the answer of – why hasn’t anyone contacted us from outer space? I could digress but you can either google it or read my rambling nonsense at : https://mammonelleblog.wordpress.com/2019/05/26/the-great-filter/

Sadly while everyone is trying to make things great by being cunts to each other and fantasy or as we like to call it TwitFaceGram has become the new must see thing, actual news, like how far science is progressing has been kicked out onto the streets.

We are getting very close to key technologies, solving mind-boggling questions about life, the universe and bendy things – sadly most of them will come too late.

Even immortality.

Given a little more time I guarantee you’d be able to transfer your sick hominid – sorry holy soul – to a machine. I know that sounds gross to most people, no you won’t have wings or a halo but you could really be immortal in so far as that’s possible. Given more time we could synthesise bodies, metallic, organic or bio-mechanical – depending on your favourite sci-fi movie.

Personally I’d be happy to be the AI that runs a satellite thrown at even the nearest star, or planet, I’d be very happy to operate a tiny craft on a mission to boldly go where no human can possibly live long enough to see. Humans on average live not long after 80, a satellite could conceivably go on forever if it could power itself, and at the present rate it’d take me tens of thousands of years to reach Proxima Centauri. Would I want to live that long? Fuck no, I’m fine with watching these people bleed out thanks. Though it is tempting I just don’t want to live that long.

Life is fragile and what we are is, as far as I know rare, with all the sophisticated gear we have scanning the cosmos so far we haven’t had a single other voice, no replies from anyone, which makes it sadder to me that all those people walking around thinking they are awesome and going to be rewarded with eternal harp music don’t see the massive bitch-slap coming.

We made gods and we could have made ourselves that — given a few more centuries, we might have been the voice – that others like us were looking for. Given our historical hostility to everything other than us including our planet and ourselves I’m in some ways glad we didn’t make the cut. Glad also that if there is a species out there that can be reasoned with by it’s scientists, that decided individual rights as well as the rights of it’s biosphere are worth more than money bitches and bling. We will be gone soon and will be no threat to them, I mean if you want a wall now – imagine how it’ll be having to share the cosmos with real aliens?